All that's done's forgiven...

The month of May has been pretty wild for me.  With the way everything has been going, it almost seems as if my life and the lives of those closest to me had been all planned out and timed very precicely - but not by us.  The reason I say this is because there were moments of great joy but also moments of great sadness.  Although we would have gladly planned the moments of great joy ourselves, we would never have willingly planned out the moments of great sadness.  We are human, after all, and humans generally do not freely accept suffering.  Nevertheless it seemed as if everything was timed so as to make those difficult moments a bit easier to swallow.  If there were any logistical things that needed to get sorted, sometimes help would come unexpectedly and only because of an earlier human "error."

All our lives, people come and go.  You never know when someone will enter your life but sometimes you don't see their departure coming either.  Nobody is perfect.  Every individual you know will have some things about them that gnaw at your spleen.  You might be curt with them or you might be impatient with them or you might speak to them or treat them in a patronizing manner, even when reaching out to them.  Certainly you would not do that every time.  After all, you enjoy their company enough and their good outweighs their bad enough such that you keep them in your life for a while.

But a while is never forever.  When they are gone, it is natural to think about how your last interaction with them went.  Did you listen to them talk about the mundane and boring details about their life while forgoing the opportunity to talk about your super-exciting week in full detail?  Basically, did you patiently and enthusiastically listen to them talk a lot  - about nothing?  Or did you push the conversation along to get every word in that you wanted to get in?  Were you patient with them or did you openly disapprove of their behavior when they really meant well but either just didn't know better or were just being themselves ("that's just the way they are")?  Do you sometimes resent feeling misunderstood by them and harbor somewhat of a grudge?

While they are in your life, it's easy to do or say the wrong things or to treat them not quite right.  It's also easy to feel slighted or mistreated by them or to be critical of them.  All of your concerns regarding dealing with them seem larger than life.  But when they are gone you wish you could go see them again, even if just to reconcile your differences or just for the sake of interacting with them in a way that leaves a good taste in your mouth - and in theirs.  All those concerns and gripes you once had now seem petty and trivial.  So the guilt sets in.  It's tempting to think that you should have been more forgiving when you still could.  But there is still a chance to make amends.  It's not easy because it requires you to actually forgive yourself.  But remember, in the same way that the other people in your life are really not as bad as they may have seemed at the time, you're really not as bad as you perceive yourself in this moment.  All that's done's forgiven...

John 20: 19-23