During the "March for Life" weekend one January, I rode on a bus with other young adults from the Archdiocese of Boston. After the Sunday evening Mass at the National Shrine, we all got back in the bus. As I was taking my seat, a seminarian who was a few years older than me made some reference to me and "Asriel."
A few years earlier when I was riding a bus in Chile, the movie they showed on the bus, dubbed and subtitled in Spanish, was that controversial movie from the even more controversial book by Phillip Pullman called "The Golden Compass." The Catholic Church largely denounced this movie because it would generate more interest in the book, which would lead to more interest in the rest of the book series and the rest of the book series becomes very anti-Catholic toward the end. Lord Asriel was a character played by Daniel Craig and I had no recollection of any other "Asriel."
I wasn't sure if I heard this guy right and I was not interested in incriminating myself in front of a seminarian as someone who had actually seen the movie. It would take a bit too long to explain that I was on a 5-hour bus ride and there was nothing else to do. This seminarian did seem like one of those ignorant corporate types who are quick to pass judgment. So I asked "Who?!" He couldn't believe that I did not get the reference. Although I'm told that I look and act young for my age, I can carry a conversation with someone older than me just as easily as I can with someone much younger than me. It really depends more upon the individual than it does upon their age. Well, we seemed to be able to chat it up pretty well earlier so in spite of my young appearance, he just assumed that we were similar in age.
It turned out that "Asriel" was a character from the television show called "The Smurfs." I did not see the Smurfs often enough or recently enough to have any recollection of "Asriel." I'm from a small town where gender roles are much more well-defined than these metrosexual big cities where this seminarian was likely from. Where I'm from, boys did not watch the Smurfs very often. Furthermore, this was from a long time ago and unlike a lot of people, I do not cling to old popular culture references and act like they are still recent. A lot of things have come and gone since then, people! It's time to move on! Finally, having lived a rather sheltered life as a child, I was quite a late bloomer as far as popular culture is concerned, thus making me appear much younger than most other people similar in age to me. Keep in mind, this guy was not my age, he was actually a few years older.
Perhaps because I inadvertently made him feel old, or perhaps because he felt betrayed by someone who he thought was his "age-buddy" (me), he decided to save some face at my expense by asking in a rather grown-up tone "how old are you?" In a busload of people, many of whom were women, and a few of whom were rather attractive, this put me in a rather difficult position. I do not generally like to give away my age because I feel that people should get to know me rather than stereotype and categorize me. Giving away my age will irreparably prejudice, color, or change one's perception of me. However, it is also generally a bad idea to be all evasive and defensive about my age when there are young women around. So I confidently stated my age as if to suggest that it's perfectly reasonable for me to still be too young to know his TV shows. Inevitably, he stated that someone my age "should've" been familiar with Asriel from the Smurfs.
To me this sounded very condescending because I was a late bloomer in the realm of popular culture and I did not appreciate being forced to relive memories of being "naive" nor did I appreciate being talked down to because I did not happen to have the same life experiences as he did in his "normal" and perfect little childhood. Perhaps he just assumed that everyone's childhood experiences are the same if they are similar in age. Given that he did seem like the corporate type, that is sadly not surprising. I did mention that my life was not at all typical of most people my age and gave a few examples. The Spanish-speaking people near me found my examples rather amusing and that kind of lightened the mood a little bit. Still, I feel there was so much more I should have said to really make a point with this guy.
Several minutes later after we left the parking lot of the National Shrine, the seminarian gave me the dreaded sales pitch for going to seminary. (Seriously, if going to seminary means having to put up with him or people like him more often, why in the world would I ever want to go?!). The sales pitch was obviously based upon my age and the fact that I am single. Shameless! I should never have told him my age. Certain priests and excessively intellectual laypeople also have a tendency to be similarly rude in asking my age without bothering to actually get to know me. I suppose I should have known better by now and perhaps I should have been willing to risk being seen as evasive or insecure about my age. At least then the sales pitch might not be so damaging to me emotionally, leaving me wounded. Revealing my age to him or other equally inept recruiters only makes it easier to hit me where it hurts.
I have my own personal issues that I would prefer to talk over in
private with someone who will actually listen and understand without
trying to push an agenda or put me down. Trying to give this seminarian reasons why I'm not inclined to go to seminary right now is a bit awkward when surrounded by a busload of people who are being very quiet. Being the way he is, he just assumed that my unconvincing explanations meant that I did not know what I was talking about or was on the fence or would be easily swayed. It never occurred to him that this topic was too private a matter to talk about at this time and he was totally unfit as a person to be talking about these things with anyway. I hope for the sake of the Church that he has left seminary by now.
As guilty as this particular seminarian may be, I can not claim to be perfect either. After all, I probably did make him feel old and abandoned while surrounded by much younger and unfamiliar people, some of whom I was very clearly pretty good friends with. I neither intended to make him feel old nor distance myself from him, but whether it's intentional or not makes very little difference to the person who feels wronged. The point is, nobody is without sin. If you feel wronged after a conversation with someone, it is tempting to perceive yourself as the sole victim who is without sin. However, in any case of mutual misunderstanding, both sides are inevitably going to come out feeling misread and there may be some mutual bad blood because each one felt that they were unfairly treated. So who gets the blame? That depends upon who you ask. Very well then. Who gets to assign blame first? Let start with the one who's blameless. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
John 8: 1-11
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